Yesterday we stayed up all night long talking. We laughed so hard. We always do though. What did we talk about? God could only tell us. Is it crazy to say that it feels like we talk about everything but nothing at the same time. We have had so many conversations and although I cant tell you one conversation; this is what I can tell you without any doubt. Our conversations were limitless. I use the word “were” because its been months since we have had one of our limitless conversations. I said yesterday because that’s what it feels like. It has been the better half of four months since you died. It feels like yesterday though. You hear people say that time heals all wounds. Which could be true. I honestly don’t know. I have experienced my share of loss in life. I have fought my way through grief a few times. But I say, maybe for a flesh wound that time could heal. What heals something that has completely shattered your heart into pieces? Personally, I don’t believe there is something that is in this world that can heal those wounds.
There are still moments that I find myself forgetting that you are gone. When something happens or I have had a great day and all I want to do is pick up phone dial your number and tell you every second of my day. Its the moments that I reach for my phone but in mid reach realize that you aren’t going to answer. Its that moment that I get taken right back to the moment that I was told you were gone. Confusion, a slow numbing breaking feeling rushing over me. As if the next step I take will be in quick sand. Death isn’t something we can escape but for some reason you place all your loved ones in a unbreakable box which death doesn’t exist. I think that’s why confusion is one of the first feelings someone feels.
You have no idea how much I crave one of our limitless conversations. To feel like I am completely safe and at home. To feel secured beyond any means in this world. A place that I can run fiercely into and collapse without the hesitation of being caught. To know that the other person on the other side of the phone was just as anxious to talk to you. Every night we talked until the wee hours of the morning but I cant say that we ever talked about one thing. Talking to you was like writing in my dairy. Safe, open, no judgement, endless pages, above anything else just being there. I never felt alone; you never let me. Although I didnt think that the thought of me being lonely ever crossed your mind. It just came natural to you. To anyone that came to know you though not just me. Over the past four months I have gotten the chance to taste the feeling of being alone. The ache of a silent night. The wrenching sensation of wanting to talk about something and having no one to call. The stillness of holding a phone in my hand knowing that if it goes off it wont be you. The numbing of a endless hope on a empty wish that it was all a joke. Or the throbbing slap of reality that seeing you again is a literally a lifetime away.
You are literally a lifetime away from me. I know the pain of loss. I know the struggle of grieving a loved one but none of the others that I have lost I have ever felt the sting of that sentence as deeply and as hallow as I have with losing you.
It amazes me to think back to times that I have ever said the words “Oh I have known him forever.” yes I knew you my entire life. We grew up together. You have always been apart of my life. But the feeling of forever of knowing you and the feeling of forever until I get to see you again has me stunned. I never thought of forever having different meanings. Well having different senses of the meaning I guess I should say. There is a good side of forever and a bad side. I am on the bad side right now.
Nighttime used to be my favorite part of the day. No explanation why it just was. Even since before our nightly talks were happening. I loved the stillness, the story of nighttime. When we started to have our talks it just added to it all. Now nighttime feels as a chore. Something that has to happen. I still find the beauty of the stars dancing in the sky. The moon still holds wonder for me. The breeze of the wind throughout the trees is still a beautiful dance. But now that you are gone my nights feel like a piece is missing. I find my heart searching for a piece that makes it feel like its at home and safe. I find my eyes flooding with tears because the thought that the last time we talked was actually the last time is too much to understand. I find the bitterness of an awful after taste of regret creep on in. I replay and replay our last conversation. I rewrite it to silence my mind and to forget so I can fall asleep but I toss and turn through the night.
Even though I have experienced all of this and have drowned in grief over losing you; I have also lived in denial. I have pushed the day of your funeral or the fact that your actually home less than 10 miles from me just six feet under to the back of my mind and buried it. I let myself forget what happened because the reality of the truth is I cant handle you being gone. The fact that you are lifetime, my lifetime, away from me is unbearable to even begin to wrap my mind around. How am I supposed to accept the fact that you are gone? How I am supposed to deal with not having my best friend? I feel regret for the last night we spoke or the moments I hid from. I feel dirty for finding ways to forget that you are gone. It doesn’t feel right even though I am doing it willingly to ignore the thought of you just so I can ease my own suffering. I was just finding my grips on clawing myself out of my grief of losing my grandma. I was so close on being to the surface of the realizing she was gone when it was as someone reached over to help pull me the rest of the way but instead in the moment I was in completely trust of being pulled up, the moment that I felt my walls breaking down around me and let the feeling of being on solid ground consume me that I found myself free falling straight back into the ground. No matter how much I tried to embrace myself for the impact nothing that I could of done would’ve helped though.
You were my best friend and will always be my best friend. I never thought I would’ve came to a point in my life that you weren’t going to be there. I don’t know why things happen especially why this had to happen to you. I don’t know when you became my best friend nor do I remember the moment I fell in love with you. I don’t know why it wasn’t in the cards for me to get more than just a glimpse of you instead of a lifetime of memories. I don’t know when you went from being a friend that I talked to from time to time to a person that I leaned on as a constant. I just know that you were my best friend and now you a lifetime away. I know that I miss you so much. I miss you so much that it hurts. How does that happen? Nothing physical happened to me but it hurts like something went through my heart and twisted. I guess I had to find quick fixes like temporary band aids to keep my heart from bleeding out. That’s what it felt like the days following your funeral. As if every time I cried my heart out blood was pouring out of me. I also felt the depth of our relationship. I never realized how much we had grown together. How much I leaned on you until I hit the ground.
Now I am spending my days trying to claw myself up again. I try to get up far enough to catch a breath of fresh air but it never lasts for too long. some days the hurt is absent but anger has taken its place.