trying to make it

You always hear about how college kids work crazy amounts of jobs or just plain crazy jobs to get by while going to school and the people who say those things are completely correct.

I go to school full time and I work full time at my church. Saturdays are my only “me” days. Even with doing that I still seem to end up taking side jobs that “normal” people would run from.

I love children and I love that I get to work them almost everyday but with working with children you get to know their parents and sometimes that leads to one of two things or at times both. One… the parents love you and want you to babysit. two… they highly “dislike” you and drop the kids off and go so we don’t have to make awkward small talk.. finally, three….. some love you and some highly “dislike” you.

Thank God that so far in 5 years a majority of my parents seem to love me.

which means….. I get asked to babysit a lot…. and as a broke college kid.. its hard to say no. its hard to say no in general based on just the type of person I am.

so that means since 6:30 this morning  until 5:30 today I will be over at a old coworkers house watching her three kiddos while she is at a teaching conference. 10 hours….! i love their mom and I would do anything for her but she is crazy. I was over here 10 hours yesterday and when I pull up this morning I notice that there are bikes sitting out/ I come inside and asked her husband if they went on a bike ride yesterday after i left and he smiles as he is saying “Those are left out for you. She told the kids that yall were going on a bike ride today.”

[confused but serious face on]  I slowly smile a little and say that sounds fun. My real thoughts were ” you gotta be damn kidding me.. it aint enough that im here for 10 hours hanging out with two 8 year olds and a  year old or that its 106 degrees outside but you tell them a damn bike ride. damnnnnnnnn lana you know ive packe don a few extra pounds and im not very good at cardio.” lol

lets just say im happy no one can hear my mind.

for three days i will be here and after i get out of here today i go straight into my actual work untl 9 to be back here at 6:30am lol

why cant the cost of living be simple so i don’t have to do crazy things like watch 3 kids that aren’t mine for 10 hours and then a pull a extra shift for my actual work.

i mean i like to sleep too!


do you ever

Do you ever get that feeling of adventure? Like you just want to get up and go find somewhere new sit down and soak up the new surroundings. You just want to take deep breaths and dig your toes a little deeper into the sand or let your hands feel the wind. The atmosphere of a new place is just all together different. Like the air is lighter somehow. The wind is smoother. The sand is colder. You just get a over powering feeling of pure bliss. Then you just get that little crooked smile because everything else in the world has just disappeared and faded away; the noise of everyone is mute and its just you and the world. You get the chance to escape from everyday reality that is sometimes overwhelming and remember the beauty of the messy world we live in. I like to think that feeling is God surrounding us. I crave for that feeling. The feeling of pure bliss. I find myself sometimes daydreaming of just me with the windows down the air blowing down a road that ive never seen before; finding a place that no one will know me at and just scream and have my arms wide open spinning; sitting or laying in a filed of grass watching it dance in the wind or standing on a rock looking out into the unknown. Do you ever wonder about the wind in the places that are unknown?

If I got the chance I would fill my truck up be in my pjs with the windows down and drive until I ran out of gas and feel the wind.

stand still

why is it that I feel like I am stuck? I am 22 years old. I work full time and go to school full time so why is it that I feel like I am running in the same place? No matter how fast I am going or how many things I do to run faster at the end of the end I am standing in the same place. I want to be able to go as I please. take care of what I need to. relax when I want to. smile all the time. but how am I supposed to be able to do that when I am sharing a car with my parents and what I do has to go around what they do. I don’t even feel like I am moving my feet to go anywhere. often I think about how dreadful it is that sometimes im sitting at home wasting a day away when I could be out doing something. the world often comes to mind as well. they place laws and rules on us like vehicle inspection and registeration. I mean I know I didn’t ask for it but I have to do it or I get a ticket and with too many of those I could end up arrested. but if we are demanded to do something such as those why do they cost so much money. I cant stand the world that does nothing but demand. the cost of living in the world today is out of this world outrageous. I am thinking now that maybe I am doing something wrong. maybe I am handling life wrong. am I supposed to work all day every day to pay for these things that I don’t even get the time to enjoy. I also don’t understand insurance all together. we today have to have insurance for anything we own so we can be protected. car insurance, house. phone, computer. why do we treat matieral things as they were a child. you have to take everything for check ups and if something is wrong you have to take it to the “doctor” to fix it. and if you don’t have insurance you get screwed over because they do it half ass not 100% where you will either have to bring it back or feel like u have to get insurance or they wont even touch it. half of those things I need to do but cant because I am stuck at home because I cant get my vehicle inspected because I have to pay for food gas books to fix my vehicle computer and everything. I just cant stand it. you work in this world to either have everything and not ever enjoy it or you stay where your at. I just feel like I have so much inside of me that I can do and I have barely begun.