alive

Do you ever feel like that you personally know what the meaning of being alive is? I don’t mean the actually definition of the word alive either. I’m talking about what it takes to be alive. Some may argue that there isn’t a difference, but there actually is. There is a difference between being alive and living. I cant speak for everyone, but I know for myself even though I am only 23 years old and still have a lot of life left to live; I always felt like I had a good concept of what the meaning of being alive in this life meant. It could mean different things for different people. To some people it could be just getting through the day. To others it maybe conquering everything that may scare them. I guess it depends on the life that each person lives. Growing up I never realized that there was difference. I did what I loved, I surrounded myself with people that made my heart smile and I truly felt happy with life, my life. It wasn’t until I graduated high school that I had a reality slap that I had no clue what living meant. The first two years after graduating I had it built in my mind that to be free and alive that it meant going, going, going; constantly on the go. Doing things that filled my days and nights. Looking back three years later I honestly remember a select few times throughout those years. And those moments aren’t remembered because they were epic or moments that I was full of life. The harsh reality of it is that in those moments I wasn’t wasted. For those two years I did what I wanted whenever I wanted. If my friends did it then most likely I was going to do it as well. At the time I thought that I was living. I was dating a guy that I knew from the first day that it would never be anything more then what it was at that moment. Him being the wrong guy didn’t bother me though. He was my best friends boyfriend’s best friend so I built it up to what is the harm of just having fun with a summer fling. We could just have fun together hanging out all four us. I mean how awesome would is it that you and your best friend are dating best friends. It was awesome. It was fun. I was alive. Once Summer started coming towards an end I started my normal routine to get ready for school to start. It was during that time when I started noticing again how much we were different people. It wasn’t so much that he did annoying things or that he wasn’t a good guy. He was by all means. He treated me like a princess. I felt loved and he made me feel alive when we were together. When I say that we weren’t the same type of people I am meaning in the way of what we wanted to get out of life. I often compare it to the way we were raised. Which isn’t something I would like to say that I judge of someone, but in some sense I have to admit that aspect can affect my relationship with another. I by no means had a perfect life. My family had hardships. We didn’t live in a nice neighborhood. We lived paycheck to paycheck. I wouldn’t hold that against someone else. When I say “the way we were raised,” I am referring to the certain lessons, values, and morals that my parents taught to me growing up. Honestly, how can you be with someone in that way that you don’t even value the same things in life. Who I am and how I want to live my life comes from those lessons I was taught. Certain things that I based my life around he would mock. He wasn’t my reality slap. That was the fear and regret I felt when I thought I was pregnant. Having that scare and realizing how stupid it is to let yourself go that far to even be in that situation with someone that you knew you didn’t want to be anything more then a fling. That was my reality slap. I realized that how I was living wasn’t living at all. The road I was traveling down that I thought was me being alive was just me being reckless and careless. I was actually living a life that I always said that I wouldn’t. I realized that the time I spent with him knowing that I didn’t want him for life I took it away from spending it getting ready for the guy I wanted for life. That when the only reason I should date someone is if I see potential of spending forever with them. After that I stepped back from my life and took one of those hard looks at it. I subtracted the bad and added what I truly needed which was God. I spent less time out with my friends and more time with him. I had never felt more alive then I did when I grabbed ahold of his hands again. I saw myself making moments with my family and laughing more.  I guess you  learn the meaning of being alive a little more as time goes by with the more life you live. I know for me being alive is made up of every moment of memory i have made with the people I adore.

 

 

 

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