Can you even hear me screaming? I honestly don’t think anyone does most days. I hear everyone screaming. I put myself last every single time. If something can be done to help those screams become into echoes of past demons then I will proudly put myself out of the equation to help whoever against those demons. I am talking about demons that live inside us all. Every single one of us. Some of us can hide them better than others. Some of us you can just look into their eyes and see their battles. I guess I am one of the of ones who can hide them. There are days I can argue that its a good quality. On the other hand there are days that I feel frozen watching everyone else living and I wonder how can they not notice. There are moments that I love being able to be strong for myself; there are moments that I am desperate for someone to be strong for me. Do you know the demons that I am talking about? I don’t care what you say we all have them. They live inside of us and tell us things like… why are you even trying? why are you doing so much? Give up! your not good enough! They answer to many names though. Demons is what I refer to them as. Insecurities, fears, self-doubt, self-hate. Those are just a few of the demons I am talking about. None of us welcome them in but they creep in at some point. At some point we open the door into our minds and slowly they take over. You find that you have gone from finding shapes in the clouds to wanting to float away on one. I don’t believe that happiness is a destination nor something you can achieve. I believe that happiness is a state of mind; a choice. A choice everyday to just be happy that you have the choice of what to do today. A choice that you are aloud to be happy. The thing is that even when you chose happy the demons within you don’t care. If they cant get to you from within yourself they more than likely call over to their demon friends within someone else and say “hey this girl is ignoring me. can you speak up?’ All of a sudden people around you their words seem to cut deeper. Your conversations go from simply talking to simply trying to slash that glow you decided to have today in half. They actions have gone from supporting you, understanding, trying to work with you to trying to put you back into your place. You then have the choice of slashing back or walking away. Although, walking away is the correct answer every time. Walking away feels empowering. You are deciding to hold onto your power instead of giving it up to whoever it maybe. But its like with every step you take away you still somehow have a feeling underneath the power of walking away like you are disgusted by your own actions. You didn’t do anything to deserve to be slashed at. You didn’t do anything to be their target. Your actions were just and you want them to know. As you continue to walk away every step you take you question each step. You fight every urge to scream out STOP! you want to rewind but you keep stepping away from it. Maybe even after a little time pass can you go back and explain to them. Can you do that? Itd take away from the disgusting feeling you have. But are you making the right decision or are you wanting to talk about it still because you low key have your own sword behind your back and want to chop up their glow without even knowing it? What if they had moved on and their demons were silenced and you are just about to slash away for no reason but to wake them up again? Is walking away the only option?  Even in those moments I can feel myself screaming for them to hear me; to see me. I often find myself wondering if no one puts theirselves in others shoes anymore. Like before they speak or act. Do people still think before they speak? Do they wonder hey what if this was me? I have hope in humanity I honestly do. In a world this cruel and full of chaos there is still love. But I wonder if there is still people out there that think before drawing out their swords.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

limitless

Yesterday we stayed up all night long talking. We laughed so hard. We always do though. What did we talk about? God could only tell us. Is it crazy to say that it feels like we talk about everything but nothing at the same time. We have had so many conversations and although I cant tell you one conversation; this is what I can tell you without any doubt. Our conversations were limitless. I use the word “were” because its been months since we have had one of our limitless conversations. I said yesterday because that’s what it feels like. It has been the better half of four months since you died. It feels like yesterday though. You hear people say that time heals all wounds. Which could be true. I honestly don’t know. I have experienced my share of loss in life. I have fought my way through grief a few times. But I say, maybe for a flesh wound that time could heal. What heals something that has completely shattered your heart into pieces?  Personally, I don’t believe there is something that is in this world that can heal those wounds.

There are still moments that I find myself forgetting that you are gone. When something happens or I have had a great day and all I want to do is pick up phone dial your number and tell you every second of my day. Its the moments that I reach for my phone but in mid reach realize that you aren’t going to answer. Its that moment that I get taken right back to the moment that I was told you were gone. Confusion, a slow numbing breaking feeling rushing over me. As if the next step I take will be in quick sand.  Death isn’t something we can escape but for some reason you place all your loved ones in a unbreakable box which death doesn’t exist. I think that’s why confusion is one of the first feelings someone feels.

You have no idea how much I crave one of our limitless conversations. To feel like I am completely safe and at home. To feel secured beyond any means in this world. A place that I can run fiercely into and collapse without the hesitation of being caught. To know that the other person on the other side of the phone was just as anxious to talk to you. Every night we talked until the wee hours of the morning but I cant say that we ever talked about one thing. Talking to you was like writing in my dairy. Safe, open, no judgement, endless pages, above anything else just being there. I never felt alone; you never let me. Although I didnt think that the thought of me being lonely ever crossed your mind. It just came natural to you. To anyone that came to know you though not just me. Over the past four months I have gotten the chance to taste the feeling of being alone. The ache of a silent night. The wrenching sensation of wanting to talk about something and having no one to call. The stillness of holding a phone in my hand knowing that if it goes off it wont be you. The numbing of a endless hope on a empty wish that it was all a joke. Or the throbbing slap of reality that seeing you again is a literally a lifetime away.

You are literally a lifetime away from me. I know the pain of loss. I know the struggle of grieving a loved one but none of the others that I have lost I have ever felt the sting of that sentence as deeply and as hallow as I have with losing you.

It amazes me to think back to times that I have ever said the words “Oh I have known him forever.” yes I knew you my entire life. We grew up together. You have always been apart of my life. But the feeling of forever of knowing you and the feeling of forever until I get to see you again has me stunned. I never thought of forever having different meanings. Well having different senses of the meaning I guess I should say. There is a good side of forever and a bad side. I am on the bad side right now.

Nighttime used to be my favorite part of the day. No explanation why it just was. Even since before our nightly talks were happening. I loved the stillness, the story of nighttime. When we started to have our talks it just added to it all. Now nighttime feels as a chore. Something that has to happen. I still find the beauty of the stars dancing in the sky. The moon still holds wonder for me. The breeze of the wind throughout the trees is still a beautiful dance. But now that you are gone my nights feel like a piece is missing. I find my heart searching for a piece that makes it feel like its at home and safe. I find my eyes flooding with tears because the thought that the last time we talked was actually the last time is too much to understand. I find the bitterness of an awful after taste of regret creep on in. I replay and replay our last conversation. I rewrite it to silence my mind and to forget so I can fall asleep but I toss and turn through the night.

Even though I have experienced all of this and have drowned in grief over losing you; I have also lived in denial. I have pushed the day of your funeral or the fact that your actually home less than 10 miles from me just six feet under to the back of my mind and buried it. I let myself forget what happened because the reality of the truth is I cant handle you being gone. The fact that you are lifetime, my lifetime, away from me is unbearable to even begin to wrap my mind around. How am I supposed to accept the fact that you are gone? How I am supposed to deal with not having my best friend? I feel regret for the last night we spoke or the moments I hid from. I feel dirty for finding ways to forget that you are gone. It doesn’t feel right even though I am doing it willingly to ignore the thought of you just so I can ease my own suffering. I was just finding my grips on clawing myself out of my grief of losing my grandma. I was so close on being to the surface of the realizing she was gone when it was as someone reached over to help pull me the rest of the way but instead in the moment I was in completely trust of being pulled up, the moment that I felt my walls breaking down around me and let the feeling of being on solid ground consume me that I found myself free falling straight back into the ground. No matter how much I tried to embrace myself for the impact  nothing that I could of done would’ve helped though.

You were my best friend and will always be my best friend. I never thought I would’ve came to a point in my life that you weren’t going to be there. I don’t know why things happen especially why this had to happen to you. I don’t know when you became my best friend nor do I remember the moment I fell in love with you. I don’t know why it wasn’t in the cards for me to get more than just a glimpse of you instead of a lifetime of memories. I don’t know when you went from being a friend that I talked to from time to time to a person that I leaned on as a constant. I just know that you were my best friend and now you a lifetime away. I know that I miss you so much. I miss you so much that it hurts. How does that happen? Nothing physical happened to me but it hurts like something went through my heart and twisted. I guess I had to find quick fixes like temporary band aids to keep my heart from bleeding out. That’s what it felt like the days following your funeral. As if every time I cried my heart out blood was pouring out of me. I also felt the depth of our relationship. I never realized how much we had grown together. How much I leaned on you until I hit the ground.

Now I am spending my days trying to claw myself up again. I try to get up far enough to catch a breath of fresh air but it never lasts for too long. some days the hurt is absent but anger has taken its place.